Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities was presented by Ruth Patrick, M.A., Domestic Violence Outreach Specialist and Director of the Women/SV Program at Family & Children Services in Palo Alto.
Ms. Patrick began her talk by outlining the Women/SV Mission, which is to “eliminate domestic violence and abuse by
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· providing support, education and resources that empower women and children to more safely and effectively address abusive situations, heal from the emotional and physical health consequences of all forms of abuse, and create a new and healthier life;
Ms. Patrick reviewed some key points about domestic violence (DV): DV occurs in all walks of life, all neighborhoods, and includes not just physical abuse, but emotional, financial, legal, and technological abuse, these last four most common in affluent communities. Ms. Patrick provided statistics about children affected by DV, and noted that while some DV victims are men, “85-95% of . . . victims are female,” and that DV is “the leading cause of injury in women in the U.S. between the ages of 15 and 44.” Ms. Patrick , who is a DV educator and not herself a therapist, reminded the group that “marriage counseling and assertiveness training are . . . contraindicated” when abuse is present. [Ms. Patrick was pleased to learn that our BBS training directs us NOT to engage in couples counseling when we suspect DV, but to guide both partners into individual therapy.]
After reviewing the effects of abuse (trauma, shame, helplessness), the cycle of abuse, and the “power and control” wheel, Ms. Patrick reviewed trauma-informed ways to help DV survivors recover (safety first, respect boundaries, collaborate, empower, and minimize re-traumatization). She introduced the “Equality” wheel as a tool to use with survivors of abuse, to help them recognize the elements of a healthy relationship.
Ms. Patrick focused the rest of her talk on DV in affluent communities. Many people believe that DV doesn’t happen among upper class individuals, and that even when it does, women have all the resources they need to combat it. One of the goals of Ms. Patrick’s organization is to correct this misperception. An affluent abuser, according to Ms. Patrick, may not “look” like an abuser because he can use his “power, money, influence, [and] technical expertise” to present a very polished public image. The abuser then hides behind this public image. Ms. Patrick painted a picture of the affluent abuser based on her DV work with over 300 women in the affluent community. The abuser is often “highly educated or has an advanced professional career,” “looks good on paper,” presents or performs well in public or in court, and is often “involved in philanthropic work.”
The victims of DV in the affluent community are often as educated and professional as their abusers and vice versa. Both include engineers, lawyers, religious leaders, entrepreneurs, CEOs and stay-at-home parents. Affluence makes it difficult for the DV victim to admit that anything is wrong because she has so much to lose (reputation, image, status in community, a beautiful home, good schools for her children, a privileged lifestyle). Money magnifies the power imbalance, for “the distribution of money . . . is sharply skewed in the man’s favor,” putting the woman at an “enormous disadvantage.”
The kind of abuse that happens in affluent communities includes not just physical abuse, but emotional, financial, legal, and technological. Emotional abuse causes the most long-lasting damage because of shame, diminished self-esteem, and fear of being hurt or killed. Ms. Patrick gave the example of an abuser who was an MD, who held power over his victim by saying “I know ways to make it appear that a woman died naturally.” Abusers also maintain control through financial abuse, making their partner financially dependent and withholding funds, for instance, or “embezzling” their life savings, or depleting their partner’s resources in other ways. Abusers use legal abuse by using the court system to their advantage, making the victim look like she is the abuser or punishing her by seeking full custody of the children. Technological abuse includes using surveillance to keep track of a partner’s whereabouts, inventing false text messages, and using “spousebusters” spyware to listen to her phone conversations, manipulate her phone settings, or monitor her interactions on social media.
Ms. Patrick concluded her talk by making suggestions to help therapists address the needs of affluent clients who may be experiencing DV. First and foremost, as with all DV cases, create a safe environment that encourages clients to talk about their experiences. Help clients to see the abuse for what it is, to recognize and label “financial abuse,” “emotional abuse,” or “technological abuse.” She provided lists of questions to ask clients when abuse is suspected, as well as lists of statements to make to let clients know we are concerned about abuse. Ms. Patrick cautioned never to ask a DV client why she hasn’t left yet; instead, help her to assess for danger in her home and create a safety plan. Ms. Patrick emphasized doing individual therapy with a DV victim because couples counseling might inadvertently enable the abuser who might use the conjoint therapy to his advantage. When you suspect abuse, Ms. Patrick advises, find good resources for your client. Informal support groups have been most helpful in promoting safety and helping the women she has worked with to move forward.
The WomenSV Directory www.womensv.org; http://www.fcservices.org/ includes a list of providers. You can also reach Ms. Patrick at 650-543-5406 or rpatrick@fcservices.org to ask for referral resources, or for any comments or questions you have about her presentation.
Janine R. Reed, LMFT, is bilingual Spanish/English and counsels individuals, couples, and families at her Private Practice in Mountain View. Janine also offers therapy groups that focus on writing-to-heal and is a writer herself.
