Workaholics, alcoholics, shopaholics, food addicts, gamblers... As therapists, we are all-too-familiar with clients who are struggling to break free from the pain of addiction. It seems any substance or activity that elicits pleasure can become a source of compulsion and an attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs.

It is not surprising that in an increasingly technological world, online sex addiction is on the rise. Average people who would never feel bold enough “in real life” to venture into an adult sex-shop, can now watch exotic porn and experiment online with risky sexual behaviors in the privacy of their own homes. In fact, 65 percent of cybersex addicts have no prior history of sexually compulsive behavior and the majority of cybersex addicts are partnered or married.

What makes cybersex so enticing? For one thing: easy access. Most people now have ready access to the Internet. Another contributor is anonymity. Most people are under the illusion that their online usage is untraceable, so they do not feel accountable for their online actions. Hiding behind the anonymity of the Web, online users are able to conceal their age, gender, ethnicity and marital status, allowing them to create alternate identities. The third factor is instant gratification. With the emergence of high-speed Internet, users can escape into a world of rapid, intense, immediate stimulation with seemingly little risk involved.

Of course, not every person who uses the Internet to explore their sexual curiosities is considered a “cybersex addict.” Addiction may be defined as “a repetitive urge to perform an act that is pleasurable in the moment but causes subsequent distress, functional impairment and significant withdrawal symptoms if not engaged in.” To be considered an addiction, there are four primary criteria that must apply. The behavior must be: 1) Progressive, 2) Compulsive, 3) Obsessive, and 4) have negative Consequences (PCOC).

Let’s take a look at how this might play out... A man is surfing the Internet and discovers an erotic Website. He’s curious and begins to explore, one site leading to another, entranced by the limitless options. The next day — and the days after that — he continues to go online, spending hours at a time compulsively visiting one sexual Website and chat room after another, feeling like he cannot stop. He finds himself spending more and more time online, escalating his activity and experimenting with increasingly erotic material. As the compulsion grows, he feels a loss of control and is preoccupied with thoughts of getting online. He finds himself feeling increasingly irritable, anxious, and depressed. Spending so much time on the computer, he grows socially isolated and his intimate relationships suffer. Over time, if not treated, he experiences an overall gradual decline in his mental and physical health.

Contrary to what one might think, the “goal” of cybersex addiction is not orgasm, but to escape the ordinary, to escape the everyday pressures of life, and to satisfy underlying emotional needs. It is also driven by the desire for intense emotional, sexual, and sensory stimulation. The greater the user’s level of daily stress, the greater the level of stimulation needed to escape from his problems. In fact, most pornographic downloads occur between the hours of 9:00AM-5:00PM and the more erotic and “deviant” sites are primarily visited by high-powered, successful men. Women, on the other hand, tend to prefer chat rooms and the relational aspect of personals where there is a greater sense of safety and control (incidentally, women are more likely than men to go offline to meet someone they’ve met online).

Is cybersex considered an infidelity within the context of a relationship? According to experts in the field of sex addiction, the answer is “yes.” A virtual affair shares all the same elements of a traditional affair: broken promises, secrecy, lack of sexual exclusivity, denial, blame, anger, and shared intimacy with another person. Clinical findings show that the jealousy, hurt and betrayal of an online affair are equal to an actual affair.

For these reasons, initial therapy goals should focus on helping the couple contain intense emotions, managing the immediate crisis (i.e., ceasing high-risk sexual behaviors) and giving referrals (12-Step, individual treatment, support groups, etc). The therapist may also begin to assess for underlying mood disorders, substance abuse issues, and medical issues. As the couple stabilizes, the therapist may begin to facilitate the process of piercing through denial, reducing shame, providing psychoeducation about Internet sexual addiction, improving communication skills between partners, and helping the couple reestablish trust in one another. Perhaps most importantly, the therapist holds hope for the couple’s recovery. Through education and treatment, the couple may use the experience to heal their relationship and create deeper intimacy.

Presented by Elaine Brady, Ph.D., MFT

Reviewed by: Erin Pensinger, MFT

Erin Pensinger, MFT, has a private practice in San Mateo and works as a therapist at a private school in San Francisco