Sharon Mead, LMFT gave a luncheon presentation on June 23, 2017 at the Los Gatos Lodge titled "Change the Music, Change the Dance: How Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy can Transform the Way You Work with Couples."

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is my passion.  I spoke to the group not as an expert, but as an avid and enthusiastic learner.  It was clear from my first training that EFT made sense and spoke to my preference for a humanistic, bottom-up therapy.  I was thrilled to see the hard science backing it up.  I spoke to the group because I believe so much in EFT that I’d like to see a lot more therapists near me discover EFT as well.

I love EFT because of what I don’t have to do.

• I don’t have to teach couples different words to use.  Words, no matter how skillful, can be cutting if they come from an internal state of anger or resentment.  John Gottman found that happy couples do not talk to each other in any more “skilled” or “insightful” ways than do unhappy couples. (Johnson, Hold me Tight)
  
• I don’t have to challenge what they are thinking.  The couples who come to see us have had real life experiences to back up their thoughts and beliefs. The heart knows what it knows and doesn’t want to listen to other ways to look at things.  
  
• I don’t have to give my clients homework – which they probably won’t do anyway.  Or, even worse, one will do it and come in upset because the other didn’t!
  

I also love EFT because of what I do have.

• I have a roadmap to romantic love and a couple’s distress. Through attachment theory I can make sense of the conflicting and tangled emotions couples present.  I can help them organize what feels chaotic to them.  With that roadmap, I have specific researched tools to help them.
  
• I have empirical validation to back me up.  EFT is the most researched couple therapy approach.  It shows high levels of efficacy - 70% of couples report recovery from distress, 90% report improvement, and 63% report continued relief from distress after 2 years. Research also shows applicability to many populations (including LGBTQ couples, various cultures, and nationalities) and problems (depression, trauma, illness).  See ICCEFT website URL below for details and references.
  
• I have a community of therapists to learn and grow with. EFT is not a simple approach to do well.  Although it is extremely gratifying, couple therapy can be emotionally demanding.  It’s important to connect to other therapists having the same struggles.  In the Bay Area, we have the Northern California Community for EFT (NCCEFT).  It holds quarterly meetings and trainings, where you can get to know other EFT therapists.  The International Center for Excellence in EFT (ICEEFT) also facilitates communication among EFT therapists internationally through a listserv.  Therapists can post clinical problems they encounter and other therapists will offer ideas and encouragement.  Often Sue Johnson, originator of EFT, will weigh in on the discussion.
  

Finally, despite what I am not doing, couples clients will, as the result of therapy:

• Use different, softer words with each other that come from their hearts.
  
• See each other differently because they will have had new experiences with each other in session.  They will be able to rewire the negative patterns of past experiences into new positive patterns.
  
• Create a “secure bond that can withstand differences, wounds, and the test of time” (Johnson, Hold me Tight).
  

Origins of EFT
EFT was originated by Dr. Susan Johnson and Dr. Leslie Greenberg in the 1980’s.  When they were developing EFT, they were going against then current ideas about couple therapy.  At that time, it was thought that healthy love relationships were rational bargains, that too much emotion was the basic problem in most marriages, and that healthy adults should not depend on each other too much.  Instead, they began to follow the ideas of John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, which holds that an effective dependence on each other is critical to healthy emotional life.  Bowlby’s original work was with children, but he also observed World War II widows and concluded that his ideas applied equally well to adult relationships.

“Throughout adult life the availability of a responsive attachment figure remains the source of a person’s feeling secure.  All of us, from the cradle to the grave are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures.” -John Bowlby (1988) A Secure Base

Neurobiology of Relationships
Current interpersonal neurobiology research on the relational brain supports Bowlby’s theories about adult attachment.  Our nervous systems react to the threat of loss of an important attachment figure in the same way as physical threat or pain.  Disconnection triggers a fight or flight response. Connection soothes the nervous system. There are now several studies that show the positive impact of a supportive other on how the brain interprets various stressors.  There was an fMRI study showing how EFT can affect the perception of pain.  See this video for a description of one of these studies, Soothing the Threatened Brain - YouTube.  

Patterns of Interaction
Another important part of the roadmap of couple distress is systems theory.  Systems theory explains why couples get into rigid negative patterns of interaction.  The danger response to loss of connection, for example, “Why don’t you ever help me?” signals danger to the other partner who responds, for example, by leaving the room to avoid a fight.  The first partner becomes even more alarmed and escalates his or her protest.  This circular causality, rigid negative cycle, allows us (and the clients) to see that both partners are caught in their reactions to signals of potential loss.  Both have valid perspectives drawn from valid emotional experiences even though they appear to be contradictory.    We help them see the cycle as the enemy rather than each other. 

In EFT, the negative cycle is sometimes referred to as a dance, and the emotions are the music.  The interventions of EFT are aimed at soothing the emotional responses to the threat of disconnection, slowing the music, and thus changing the dance.  In successful therapy, the couple will form secure bonds with each other and change their interactional patterns to a positive cycle of connection.  At the luncheon, I used a clip from the movie The Breakup to illustrate the process and the interventions.  

With a secure bond, couples can calm their nervous systems so that even if one does go into a protest, they don’t go into such a rigid pattern.  They recognize their need for each other, soothe each other, make up more easily, and get triggered less often.  They know the other person will be there for them, cares for them, and is willing and interested to know the other and be known by the other.

Training
The first formal therapist training is a 4-day externship.  After the externship, there is Core Skills training consisting of 4 weekends.  There are many Certified EFT supervisors who can provide guidance as you learn the model and help you to become a Certified EFT therapist. See the web sites below for more information about training.   In addition to the resources listed below, there are many videos posted on YouTube about EFT.

Conclusion
If you’d like a personal experience of the model, I recommend attending a “Hold Me Tight” workshop with your partner.  It is also a great resource for your clients.  The closest people offering the workshop are Sam Jinich and Michelle Gannon, two very experienced EFT therapists and trainers.  You can find information at https://www.holdmetightworkshop.com/.  

I enjoyed giving this presentation very much and I am grateful for the full house we had to hear it and the positive responses I received.  If you would like to receive a copy of the handouts from this presentation, email me at Sharon.Mead.MA@gmail.com.

Sharon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Jose. She specializes in working with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She is currently working with an EFT supervisor toward certification in EFT. She can be reached at Sharon.Mead.MA@gmail.com.

Resources

Books for clients:

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson 
  
• Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Sue Johnson  
  
• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us, by Veronica Kallos-Lilly Jennifer Fitzgerald
  
• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies, by Brent Bradley, James Furrow

Books for clinicians:

• The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection by Susan M. Johnson (2004).  Main textbook.
  
• Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist: The Workbook by Susan M. Johnson, Brent Bradley, James L. Furrow and Alison Lee (2005).
  
• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors: Strengthening Attachment Bonds by Susan M. Johnson (2005).

Web sites:

• International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy – ICCEFT Information about EFT, research, training materials and listings of live trainings around the world with dates.  http://www.iceeft.com/
  
• San Francisco Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy Training Center offers information and many trainings for EFT. http://www.sfceft.com/  
  
• Northern California Community for EFT (NCCEFT): short trainings and community    http://www.ncceft.com/
  
• Training and Research Institute for Emotionally Focused Therapy Alliant (TRI EFT Alliant) Information, training materials and listings of live trainings. http://trieft.org/