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Presentation Review by Kathryn Ford, MD

Aperture Awareness is the superpower for couples’ relationships. And I am convinced that when we, therapists, are doing our best work, what we are tuning into is emotional aperture—ours and our clients. On August 27 I had a chance to talk to some of my fellow aperture experts about how to develop Aperture Awareness in our couples as part of helping them with loving connection.

Aperture refers to our dynamically changing emotional openness to each other in the present moment. Aperture Awareness refers to our ability to sense our own state of openness and that of other people. Couples are trying to optimize for loving contact and safety: Developing Aperture Awareness helps them to do this. When couples interact with closed apertures, they are likely to injure each other and their relationship. When they interact with open apertures they are more likely to get the contact they want—to be seen, heard, and understood.

Aperture Awareness is an in-the moment experience. My training in meditation began simultaneously with my psychiatric training. Thus, the importance and power of tuning in to what is happening in the present moment has guided my development as a therapist. As I began to work with couples, I noticed that they would come in and tell me stories about things that had happened in the past. In order to work with what was happening in the present moment, I began structuring my sessions so that instead of talking to me about encounters they had last week or last year, they talk to each other, with me observing from the sidelines. As I observed couples interacting, I began to move my various mental models and theories to the side of my awareness in order to pay attention to what was happening in the room. As I did, I tuned in to something very simple: my ability to sense, in the moment, the openness, or closedness of these two people to each other. I began to develop what I started to call my Aperture Awareness. I then began to talk to my couples about their aperture awareness and to help them develop it by pausing to tune into it and to describe it on a 1-10 scale.

Our brains are very well designed for Aperture Awareness with limbic systems that are constantly processing information about the internal states of other mammals. Our limbic systems (amygdala, thalamus, hippocampus) are responsible for the “danger, danger” response that is triggered at any sign of threat including the danger that other mammals are not well disposed toward us. The amygdala, in particular, makes sure we are not going to get eaten, or experience the emotional equivalent of that, when a friendly face suddenly darkens. When a potential threat is detected, the amygdala responds with lightning speed. The “danger, danger” signal is activated sending various body systems into a state of tension and readiness, and closing our emotional apertures. This system, like our breath, functions whether we pay attention or not. Tuning in to our sense of aperture provides us valuable information that helps us steer in relationships.

So what does it mean to use Aperture Awareness to steer in relationships? What you do with aperture awareness can be described quite simply. Depending on the 1-10 assessment given by the clients:
•    Stop on red: these are apertures of 1-4;
•    Go on green: apertures of 5-10, and
•    Pause on yellow for those tiny closures that happen continuously during a challenging conversation. I call this pausing on yellow “riding the waves”, meaning waiting for a brief wave of aperture closure to pass before speaking, thus avoiding escalation of tension as one aperture closure triggers another.

An example: your partner complains about your lateness. Speaking from your closing aperture you might say: “Are you kidding me?! I most certainly was not the one who made us late to the party!” With a few seconds to reflect and return to open aperture, you might sound more like, “Wow, I’m surprised to hear you say that. I didn’t even realize I was late.”  

Then there are the times in conversation when apertures fall below 5 for more than a few seconds. When couples continue to try to interact with closed apertures, they end up frustrated, discouraged and injured. Teaching them to stop when apertures fall below 5 helps them to avoid this. When either partner notices that their own aperture or their partner’s has closed below a 5 they need to:
•    Stop
•    Reassure
•    Inquire
They then work together to figure out what closed either or both apertures and to help each other to reopen, possibly by adjusting something about the way they were talking to each other. When both apertures are five or above, they are good to GO.

Slowing down is the first step in paying attention to what is happening in the moment and developing Aperture Awareness. In any conversation, there is far more happening than we can possibly be aware of. We are exchanging content, having memories, feeling emotions, making associations, and getting distracted. We are thinking of what to say, noticing our own experience, listening to our partner, and watching their reactions. All of these factors are then influencing our brain and the opening and closing of our apertures.

The pace of most conversations barely allows us to exchange information, much less sort through all the complex reactions and interactions. Things move fast, often without pauses or silences. And when emotions heighten, we tend to speed up—usually the opposite of what is needed. Researchers have demonstrated that slowing down speech can help us modulate emotional arousal in conversation. We need time to process our words, thoughts, and feelings, and those of our partner. Aperture Awareness and the related skills of dialogue, mindfulness, and learning all get easier when we slow down.

Here is my favorite exercise for helping couples to slow down and arrive in the present moment.

Exercise: Slowing It Down
Slowing down can be harder than it sounds. So in this exercise, you will be exaggerating the change, slowing things way down so that you can truly feel the difference.

After selecting a topic, you will plan to talk for 20 minutes. The difference, this time, is that each time you speak, you will allow yourself only one or two sentences. Then after each person speaks, you will both pause in silence for about 30 seconds—or approximately as long as the speaker was speaking.

Eventually, you will get a rhythm: Speak – pause – speak – pause. It should feel a little like a rally in a tennis match. For most of the time, the ball is not being hit by either player, but is in the air between them. And during that time players are observing very carefully—watching the ball, watching the opponent, getting their own body in position. This rhythm will probably feel strange, even awkward. You may be tempted to speak for longer, or to omit the pauses, or both. Support each other in resisting this temptation. Hang in there and let this slower pace help you to observe.

Choose a topic to discuss. Set the timer for 20 minutes and stop when the time is up. Do not continue the conversation.

Reflect and write.

• What was hard about this exercise?
• What did you like about it?
• What else did you observe about the effects of the pace of the conversation?

Discuss.

• Spend a few minutes talking to each other about your experience of this exercise.

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