You have probably noticed more discussion in the news recently about gender and pronouns. You may have encountered terms you don’t recognize, such as “cisgender” or “non-binary.” Having a close family member who identifies as transgender (which I’ll define below), I have made it my business to educate myself on my family member’s experience. As a therapist, I also care deeply about inclusive and compassionate therapy with all people. I hope that my journey can be helpful to you. While recognizing that I am not an expert, I’ll review some basics and share how I am learning to be more aware and more active in creating safe spaces for people who identify as trans, genderqueer and non-binary.*

Most of us have grown up with the belief that there are two genders, called the gender binary, and people are either strictly male or female. Under this view of the world, whatever sex you are designated at birth is correct and final. It is important to understand the difference between “sex” and “gender.” The term “sex” generally refers to the genitalia and genetic differences between males and females, whereas “gender” refers to your sense of your gender identity as well as the social construction of the roles of males and females in the society where you live.

If your experience of your gender matches your sex assigned at birth, then your behavior, appearance, dress, and genitals “match” how you feel about yourself and how everyone around you treats you. However, this sense of “matching” has never been true for everyone and many have suffered with shame and silence for not fitting into the strict binary system. Consider the discrimination and violence transgender people continue to face today.

We call someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth “cisgender.” For example, I was born a girl and feel that the female gender fits for me, expresses who I am inside, so I am cisgender. “Transgender” (or trans) is a term used broadly for people whose gender identity does not match the sex assigned to them at birth.

It is also important to know that “gender” and “sex” are different than “sexual orientation.” If someone identifies as gay, bisexual, lesbian, or heterosexual, this refers to their sexual orientation, or who they are attracted to and who they have sex with.

Transgender or trans people may be “non-binary,” meaning they don’t identify exclusively as male or female (and there is not a precise definition of non-binary, it can mean different things to different people). Trans can also describe people who do identify on the binary system, but as the opposite gender of the one they were assigned at birth, i.e. a trans man or a trans woman. Whether someone has medically transitioned is not determinative of their trans identity.

Let’s talk about pronouns and gender neutral pronouns. “Pronouns are just a substitute for a noun that you don’t know the identity of, or a shorthand when the person/place/thing you’re talking about is understood.” (A Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimmerson, p. 11). We’ve been taught to use masculine or feminine pronouns when referring to individuals in casual English, but as we are seeing, this guessing may be incorrect. There is increasing support of and usage of pronouns that are not gendered. Generally, when you refer to another person by their pronoun rather than their name, you typically guess which pronoun to use, masculine or feminine, based on name, hair, clothing, deportment, and then use the corresponding gendered identifier he or she. The trans community argues persuasively that it is oppressive and harmful for anyone to simply assume someone’s gender and to “gender” them using he/she pronouns. This constant reinforcement of the binary gender code creates pressure for all of us (and especially trans people) to express ourselves in certain ways in order to be accepted and safe. Being “misgendered” serves to invalidate and make invisible people who don’t fit into the gender binary. It says, “you aren’t for real, we know who you really are, we get to say who you are.”

One change that we can make to make space for everyone is to ask people what their pronouns are, and to practice consistently using people’s self-identified pronouns (whether they/them or another gender neutral pronoun, of which there are a number).** At the beginning of a group meeting is a good time to open up space for people to identify their pronouns. This may be particularly relevant when working with groups of younger people, who are much more aware of a gender spectrum. A good way to start that conversation is to volunteer our own pronouns when we introduce ourselves to someone or to a group (“Hi, I’m Rowena and I use she/her pronouns”), and then invite people if they are comfortable to share their pronouns when they introduce themselves. We can also routinely use they/them pronouns when we don’t know first hand what someone’s pronouns are or what their gender identity is. Interestingly, some companies are already using gender neutral pronouns in their communications.

In my own journey, it has taken me time to get used to using they/them pronouns, which my family member uses to identify themself. For awhile, I would use they/them when I was around my family member, but would revert to their historical pronouns when talking with others, in part because I wanted to respect my family member’s privacy and also because it still felt uncomfortable. Eventually, I specifically checked with them and received permission to use they/them pronouns all the time when referring to them. I made a commitment to be consistent. While I continued making lots of mistakes, I became more comfortable over time and they/them started coming easily off my tongue. I also made sure when I made mistakes that my family member knew how important this was to me to get it right.

A significant milestone for me was becoming more comfortable using they/them pronouns with friends and family, when speaking about my family member. I learned to simply say, “they use they/them pronouns,” and to leave it at that. Sometimes people asked more questions and I would answer briefly. I am still finding a balance between respecting my family member’s privacy and being open and proud of their journey by using correct pronouns.

Language is powerful, it conveys the values of a culture. Therefore, I encourage us to take this issue of human dignity and respect very seriously. We have made other language changes in the past that signified the increasing strength and power of marginalized people, and the growing awareness in the population of important justice issues. We can make changes in our own language and knowledge right now that will speed along these changes in the wider culture. We’ve discussed becoming more aware of our gendered pronouns. We can also become much more aware of how we use gendered language everyday in ways that we might not notice. For example, saying “ladies and gentleman,” or “boys and girls” when addressing a group, or calling people “sir” or “ma’am.” These assumptions about gender are also harmful in the same way we have discussed, they make people who identify differently feel excluded and invisible. Someday soon, with our efforts, gender neutral pronouns and language will be the norm along with respect and acceptance of people all along the gender spectrum.

In summary, here are ideas for how to move this revolution along and to be part of positive change. Most importantly, when someone specifically requests that we honor their pronouns, we can make this change immediately and consistently (even while knowing that we will make mistakes). We can use they/them pronouns as the default until we’ve more specifically checked with someone about their pronouns. We can use they/them pronouns when we are speaking of someone in the third person whose gender identity we don’t know. We can practice getting more comfortable saying, “I use ______ pronouns, what are your pronouns,” when introducing ourselves, and then consistently using the pronouns someone has indicated.

Other ideas that we can try to incorporate over time are to become more aware of and find good neutral alternatives to gendered language that creeps into everyday usage. We can include our own pronouns in the signature portion of our email messages and in our therapy practice documents, where applicable, which signals inclusiveness and invites people to share their pronouns. We can educate ourselves—a website I recommend is mypronouns.org. We can encourage organizations that we’re involved with to be gender neutral in their materials.

This is a journey, it takes time and will feel uncomfortable. I encourage you to be kind to yourself as you are learning and experimenting with these ideas. I believe it is fully worth the effort. Being more aware of our language and our assumptions around gender is a powerful way that we can make the world safer for each other.

*This is not an exhaustive list of terms for identities along the gender spectrum.

**For other gender neutral pronouns and lots of other great information, including suggestions for correcting inevitable mistakes with pronouns, please check out the website mypronouns.org.

Resources used in writing this article:

• A Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimmerson.
• mypronouns.org.
• Transgender identity terms and labels, plannedparenthood.org

Rowena Dodson has been a licensed therapist since 2016. She has a private practice in Mountain View, and works as a per diem therapist at El Camino Hospital adult outpatient behavioral programs. Her emphasis has been on helping adult clients find their voice and their power to shape the lives they want.